Fat Pants vs. Squeezing into clothes that don't fit

I was in Starbucks the other day and a woman was in front of me wearing plaid, tan colored work pants. She had on a fairly fitted, tucked-in shirt however I can't remember any details about the shirt because I could not stop starring at her pants! They were skin tight. By that I mean there was not one bit of space on her rear, hips, thighs, and calves that was not touching the pants. This was not a stretchy material that the pants were made of - it looked like a light weight wool. I suppose I would not have noticed this outfit had she been of a skinnier body shape but this woman's body was VERY heavy in the hips, thighs, and buttock region. Those areas actually were not at all proportionate to the rest of her body. Honestly, she could not have been wearing worse pants for her shape. The color alone was "not flattering" but the fit was screaming "LOOK AT MY UNSUALLY LARGE BUTT!!" After getting over the shock of seeing something that just was not right (especially that early in the morning) I found myself pondering the question "Did she buy those pants like that or did she just gain weight?" From personal experience I know that it had to have taken her a good 20 minutes to get the zipper up that morning. If she "grew" into them does she actually think they still look good?

I personally am a fan of the fat pants. When I gain weight (which is a pastime of mine) I pull out the fat pants. The last thing I want are people asking themselves the same question "does she think that she looks good in that?" or "Why is she doing that to herself?" The woman at Starbucks actually made me mad and annoyed with her. My assumption was that she liked that look. Now being a Libra, I did step back and ponder the possible reasoning for her behaviour. Perhaps she gained weight and does not have enough money to buy larger clothes? I certainly have found myself in that situation. My approach to that situation is just to become a hermit and wear things like flannel shirts and sweat pants. (My personal favorite wardrobe for the last 8 years.)

Now I know that hiding behind large clothes does nothing for anyone. Fitted clothes look good on all figures - I just wish the trend these days for women to have their bellies and love handles hanging out over their low-rider pants and completely inappropriate skin-tight work clothes would end quickly. What happened to a little propriety?

Hindsight is 20/20

So I just happen to be at Target the day TMX Elmo hit stores and I saw a display with Elmos face right above the boxes of it. I actually grabbed one and put it in my cart and then I thought "I don't even know what this thing looks like." So I put it back. I guess the guy next to me that was buying 10 (no exaggeration) of them wasn't clue enough for me that maybe - just maybe- I should buy this thing. Little did I know...I just went to the Fisher Price website and they are now saying that they will not be selling any again online until 2007! WHATEVER! I can't take it, how many times in life do I have to look back and say "I should have..." Valerie is the perfect child to have this toy. She is an emerging 2 year old, she loves Sesame Street, our old Tickle Me Elmo is broken, her birthday (not to mention Christmas) is coming up. BUG, BUG, BUG! It currently is selling on Ebay for between $100 to $200. I refuse to pay more than the retail price for this thing, especially since I had it in my cart.

This of course shows the strength of good marketing. The classic supply and demand issue that some brilliant marketing people at Fisher Price Land are just reveling in. I didn't even want this thing. Now I am obsessed with getting it for Valerie. Oh well. I suppose Valerie won't know the difference if I give it to her on her birthday or next January (or whenever it comes into the stores again).

Working Mom vs. Stay at Home Mom

Speaking as a working mom I can truly say it stinks. That's the only way to put it. You can't do either job (mommy or work) to the degree or the expectation that you would like. So then what, you live life in survival mode and think "Someday I will be able to do this to the level that I want" and it never happens. There are always going to be family issues that keep you from making your job all that you want it to be and of course there are always job responsibilities that demand your time and take away from your family.

I find in increasingly difficult to handle both, but what am I to do? What especially kills me are the do-it-all working moms that somehow make you feel like crap. They seem to dedicate all of their time to work and yet make it all balance out in the end with the family. How are they doing that? I can only think of one way and that is that they don't sleep. Who are these people that can survive without sleep? I am certainly not one of them. Frankly, I live for sleeping. I fantasize about it. These moms just don't even seem real to me. On the flip side - perhaps I am just an example of someone that just can't get it together.

What I want to believe is that there are a whole bunch of women out there that are really good at faking it. Hopefully they are really unorganized and lie about it. It would give me such pleasure to think that they are also missing little dumb things that they are supposed to bring to their child's preschool, or they too have forgotten to- oh, I don't know, pick up their kid from school or something like that. There have to be some working moms out there that are just as bad as I am. Lord I hope so. Here's to the hope that there are and that they just hide it better than I do.

I will admit my faults - to anyone that listens. It's a self depreciating behaviour that I think let's me off the hook. That way people's expectations are less. The problem with that is -that philosophy doesn't cut it at work. You can't say "well I'm really not good at that thing you are asking me to do." I have a lot to give to a job but there are so many limitations as to how much I can do. Ultimately as working moms, we halt progress in our careers by having children (that's nothing that hasn't been said before) so that is why I encourage all of my coworkers to have as many children as they can!

I love working and it can be very satisfying but ultimately I would trade my job in a heartbeat to stay at home with the kids.

Of course if I stayed home then it would be expected that I could keep up with the housework and laundry, that's a whole other blog...

Kit Kats

As I finish the last Kit Kat that I have brought upstairs to bed with me, (please refer to my last post if you think that eating Kit Kats in bed is an odd behaviour). I personally have a few issues with Kit Kats that I need to work though.

I have a very particular way of eating my Kit Kats. First I separate each bar by hand, meticulously ensuring that each bar has an equal amount of chocolate. The next step is to chew all of the chocolate off from around the outside of the bar (sides only, the top and bottom would just be too hard) so that the wafers are now apparent. At this point I separate the wafers with my teeth and scrape off (again with my teeth) the sugary filler that binds the wafers together. Once all of that is complete it is then that I eat the remainder bottom wafer. This is the ONLY way that I can eat a Kit Kat and enjoy it. When I do not have the luxury of time or for some reason need to urgently shove a bar in my mouth - whole - I find it does not even give me remotely the amount of pleasure/satisfaction as it would if I were able to eat it the way I want to. Frankly I would go so far as to say that I don't even like it at all if I am eating it the "regular" way.

So you may be asking what the !@## does this have to do with ANYTHING really? I am curious to understand what this ritual eating behaviour means in my life as well. I have been eating Kit Kats this way for as long as I can remember - so it must have a strong tie to my childhood. Do eating Kit Kats this way help me feel like that kid I once was? Why is it that Kit Kats only seem to end up in my house when I am feeling insecure - not stressed - mind you. (Stress usually equals a drink or two...) And WHEN the HELL did I come up with this crazy ritual? I really cannot answer that last question however I have to say that I am COMPELLED to eat my Kit Kats this way. For me - there is no other choice in the matter - it must be done. It was a habit that I established long ago and I have never questioned it until now.

I am sure that by eating Kit Kats in my ritualistic manner I must be trying to hold onto that little girl I once was. Frankly, I really don't think that the little girl has ever left - many people think of themselves as the young beautiful teenager they once were, I think of myself as perhaps the young 3rd or 4th grader tops. Perhaps that is why I have continued to collect Barbies and why I spend more time brushing their hair and dressing them than my 5 yr old daughter does. (God forbid, I don't even think she likes them that much) And when my husband is not home I have cartoons on even after the kids are long asleep. I am usually working and the volume on the TV is down to the lowest possible setting - however it always manages to get changed from the ESPN channel he ALWAYS leaves on in our bedroom to Nicktoons or some other fun cartoon channel. I don't even watch it but I would rather it is there than some boring sports show. If you know me you would also know that cartoons would never replace the discovery channel, history channel, etc but those shows require that I actually listen and of course I have to be able to do my work and not pay attention to a show like that.

Getting back to the topic at hand, why do I need to hang on to that little girl? Well I think she was very safe, my parents never seem to do anything wrong in life and of course that meant for her that by being in their home she was safe and secure. When you have three dependants counting on you it makes you long for the time when the responsibility was not on you but was on the people you trusted most.

That little girl also had a very vivid imagination - always making up elaborate pretend stories in her head, some of the stories she hoped may come true someday (and others she knew would never happen like being Queen of earth, etc.) Back then everything was spread out before you - you had your whole life to live and many choices to make. Pondering whether you made the right choices can lead one down the path of insanity through self doubt. Hind sight is 20/20 and I hope that I can direct my children to make the right choices. Anyone can be a rocket scientist, paleontologist, archaeologist, veterinarian, marine biologist, historian, or a princess if they set their mind to it.

Well perhaps that is why I needed to work out the Kit Kat ritual in my mind. Now I know that I need to instill that very important mindset into my children so that they won't look back and wonder what it would have been like to be a zoologist...

Well here goes round two...

I have started a blog somewhere else in this world but I can't remember the name of it so this is my new beginning. I probably should have titled my blog SuzanneUNORGANIZEDANDSTRESSED because that is about the perfect description of me and my life in a nutshell. I also could add TIRED to the end of my title as well. Story of my life...but perhaps I wouldn't be so tired if I took off about 25 pounds and did anything close to exercising. I have always had the idea that I will definitely be that person someday, the one who exercises regularly, eats right, and has plenty of energy to do anything. Somehow the years keep going by and that just doesn't happen. Well I resolve to get up tomorrow and jog, oops that won't work - I have no idea where my running shoes are and God only knows where, in my huge pile of laundry that needs to be sorted and put away, the proper clothing is to get out and do it with.

Once in my life I used to go out with my father three or four times a week at 5:30 AM and walk around the neighborhood block a couple times. It was wonderful, the sky was dark, the stars were out, there were no cars going through (we walked in the middle of the street) and we each brought with us a huge thermos of coffee to drink from. This was so good for me, I was in my early twenties and half of the time I was probably green from being hungover, or exhausted from staying out late but I did it and can only look back on it with fond memories. We barely talked about anything - it was just mostly quite. The last day we did it was the day I got married and that was probably that last time I have done anything that could be considered exercise (unless you count giving birth three times as exercise-which for the purposes of my own self pride - I will).

What's the matter with me, it seems to me that the more I worry about my weight the more crappy, horrible food I eat...What's up with that? I took a drug once called Meridian (after I gained 20 pounds in the first year of my marriage). I took it over a period of several months. My brain and my body were totally altered by this drug. I had no appetite, I ate half of the amount of food on my plate, I didn't snack, for god's sake I would leave a candy bar on my nightstand for weeks and take a bite out of it every once in a while. Why does the chemistry in the brain have any control over our appetite. Our stomach should just say "I'm empty - eat now" but no, the brain has to get involved and that's where a hell brakes loose with me. I wish I could just have Meridian injected in me daily that way I wouldn't care about food.

Oh well, hopefully by "putting this on paper" I can read and reread these thoughts and realize how ridiculous they sound and I will somehow gain the motivation to do something about it.